I’m Not Happy, But I’m Not Sad

I am not happy and I don’t know why. I do not want to kill myself or anything like that but I am just not happy.

You know what is worse, I am not sad either. I am just there.

I don’t know what is wrong but I know something is amiss. I do my job as well as I can, and I am quite good at it.

This I know, because a lot of my colleagues look at me with respect in their eyes and my boss thinks I walk on water. The pay is nowhere near enough for me but I am happy I still have a job in this present economic climate.

The books I used to read, the shows I used to watch, the things I used to do for fun no longer excite me.

I cannot wait to get out of the house every morning but I spend all day looking forward to my return home so I can be alone with my thoughts and music, preferable Afropop.

You see, music helps, especially when they are my old favourites. The oldies are great for my mood (or lack thereof) because my brain does not need to work out the lyrics or pay attention to the message in the tunes.

I would think that watching movies would be exciting, but I cannot really follow the plots.

Oh, food helps too. At least, I get joy from almost every meal for the few minutes I spend chowing away.

What’s more? I find myself giving up on my ideas before executing them. I just cannot be bothered. I have always been lazy but I procrastinate more these days than I have done all thirty-four years of my life.

Why do I feel this way? My life has not gone according to plan and I feel a bit overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a young, single adult male living in Lagos.

I do not think I am a failure, at least not yet but I do feel like an underachiever. Maybe this is a mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m depressed.

Either way, I admit that I have looked up signs of depression and studied some articles on mental health so I know that what I am going through is a sign of something like that.

Therapy is expensive in Nigeria, I have not reached out to any therapist but I expect it to be too expensive for me.

Whatever is wrong or not wrong with me is probably a part of growing up, becoming an adult. I feel it is a phase and this too shall pass.